Lost.

What am i doing? Instead of going to class, i skipped again. Instead of studying for my class tomorrow, i’m wasting time on facebook. Argh! I’m feeling a bit restless. And lazy. I just want to go home and read non-law related books, watch dvds, surf the web, or just plain play video games. Am i cut out for this career? Do i really like what i’m doing? It seems like i’m only doing this because of routine. And i shouldn’t be asking myself this question at this point in time. I mean, i’ve already spent so much time and effort (and money!) to be asking this of myself. I’m just a stone’s throw away from fourth year review classes.

I think i’m one of those people who just want to travel and shop. I do want to do something worthwhile with my life. But if given the choice, i would probably just want to live a life of leisure. Imagine being able to travel anywhere in the world, buy anything you want — just like that.

I am a shallow human being.

So what did i do today?

Granted, i woke up early (earlier than usual) because of my internship. But due to the massive heavy traffic, i decided not to attend (it was nearing 10am when i got anywhere near the office i intern at). I told myself, i’ll use the time to study for my class today. I went to this coffeeshop with the intention of studying. But then i lost myself in the bowels of cyberspace — facebook to be exact. And then it was time for me to eat lunch. After lunch i went and got myself a mani-spa. After that, i decided not to attent my class, i got caught in time for the color-coding traffic scheme. I told myself i’ll just study for my class tomorrow, it starts earlier than usual. It’s already past 7pm and i haven’t accomplished anything, except do jobs in Mafia Wars and go on a comment-spree. It’s now past the color-coding scheme and i can go home without any hassle from the PS3.

I’m thinking i might be on the path to the wrong profession.

I wish i were independently wealthy. Probably from inheritance or winning a big lotto pot. Like millions of dollars rich. I know it’s probably not the answer to all my problems, but it would solve most — if not all — my financial woes. I’m not deep in debt or anything, but it would be nice to be able to buy anything i want, go anywhere i want, just on a whim.

It’s not that i appreciate how hard my parents have been working. I really am thankful to them. But at the same time, there’s a pressure for me to do well, and finish everything so that i can land a good job, and earn good money. Nowadays, it’s money. Will there come a day when i will be able to tell myself, Enough. 

I’m also bothered by non-problems. Non-problems because they’re not real problems like world hunger or addiction or anything, they’re just things that i think i need to have or do or be. Like the fact that i’m overweight (i’m a size 16/18/20, US, depending when you catch me). And that i haven’t had a boyfriend since birth. Am i ever going to find a man who’ll love me for me? Will i like that man who’ll love me for me? I’m afraid that all the guys i’m attracted to are attracted to a different type of girl — someone thinner than me, who has a different skin color than i do (that i don’t have an issue with, i love my skin color), someone who is a different race than i am (i’m Asian btw), yada yada. Normally it doesn’t get to me. But sometimes i get lonely. And i think my weight and my singleness are connected to each other. If i lose weight, i’ll get a boyfriend. But do i really want one who’ll want me because of the way i look? And why am i even asking that when i set such a high standard myself? I mean, let’s face it, the first thing that a person notices is the way you look. That’s what attracts them. The personality comes after the initial attraction.

Why, oh why, do some people just seem to have it all?

I’ve been hiding behind the reasoning that i haven’t had a boyfriend ever because i’m focused on my studies when the fact is although they are some who’ve sent signals that they’re interested, i’m just not into them. And i can count these people with my two hands. What a load of bull.

Maybe someday i’ll look back on this post and laugh because i’ve met someone, maybe not. But right at this moment, i’m feeling rather lonely. I don’t want to end up a spinster, bitter, someone who never experience dlife and what love is. But from the looks of things, that’s where i’m headed. And that’s one thing i’m afraid of.